I lie awake in the dark of night, and I doubt. I fear.
The double minded man should not expect anything from the Lord, and how can I say that I am not he? I want God’s kingdom to be advanced, and I want to see souls saved. I want sanctification and power in my Christian life, and more intimacy with my savior. And I pursue those things. Yet, I sometimes want things that are quite the contrary. And in those times, God feels a million miles away – yet right there…seeing my shame.
How can I continue like this if I am truly a new creature? What if I’m fooling myself? I counsel the youth, and I know what the answers are supposed to be. But can I apply them in my own life? Am I a hearer and not a doer? Am I a fraud? When I willingly turn from God in favor of some other pleasure, I cannot help but wonder: did he really remove my heart of stone?
A still, small voice: “He knows you are but dust. When you are faithless, he is faithful, because he cannot deny himself. He will finish the work that he started in you. You do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with your weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as you were, yet without sin. His mercies are new every morning.”
I look out the window. I watch the sun rise.