The Messy Business of Starting a Dialogue

Tags

grace, homosexuality and the church, mixed orientation marriage, understanding

It’s a weird feeling to sit in a room full of people who are in the midst of a passionate debate over your sexuality. But hey, I asked for it. Well, technically, my friend Janai asked for it for me. But I eagerly accepted. In a conference about loving across borders and moving beyond tolerance and into loving, a workshop on embracing the lgbt community seemed like a natural addition, even an imperative one. It seems the church, at least the one that hosted this conference, is more than ready to engage the atheist, the agnostic, the Buddhist, or the Muslim with love, understanding, poise, and confidence. But sexual minorities? Well, let’s just say they’re not quite there yet. But the very fact that they created a space for such a discussion shows that they’re willing to try. And although this was just an hour long workshop, and there’s a long, long way to go, I left the experience feeling hopeful, if still a bit misunderstood.

I led the workshop twice that day, and the sessions took very different turns. The first one was a lot more light-hearted. I shared my story, and the group had little trouble digesting it. They asked many good follow-up questions about how my gay friends reacted to my conversion, how Anna and I have dealt with challenges in our marriage, and practical ways that they can support gay Christians who choose to follow the traditional understanding of biblical sex ethics.

The next session was much more intense. In this group, my story and the way in which I framed the conversation really demanded a paradigm shift in the minds of most people. The thought that someone could be gay and Christian had never occurred to them. I was redefining things that had hard and fast definitions to them, and my very existence and the reality of my story defied what they had always thought about this issue. They had a category for gay people who reject God. They also had a category for more liberal congregations which affirm same-sex marriage and have gay couples among their ranks. And some of them had a vague notion of the ex-gays whom Focus on the Family and other conservative Christian groups used to tout. But this? “You’re the only person I’ve ever heard saying anything like this. You’re it!” one person said.

It’s funny: when you saturate yourself with articles and books from various authors, and you participate in online discussions and insert yourself into communities who are committed to thinking about and talking about a subject, you tend to forget the reality that outside of that, most people are oblivious to the things that you’ve come to take for granted.

It was a painstaking effort trying to explain why it’s not the best idea to compare homosexuality to pedophilia (that was fun), and that while the language of sexual orientation is extra-biblical, it isn’t necessarily unbiblical, and that being a new creation in Christ doesn’t mean that my orientation has changed or that it isn’t a significant part of me. I’m not sure if anybody walked away from the workshop feeling like they learned something or that they know a little more. But I’m pretty sure that most of them left realizing that even much of what they thought they knew was shaky at best. And while that’s not the end goal, I think it’s a pretty good start. Because while uncertainty is a scary thing, it often leads to humility. And if we really want to love across borders and move beyond tolerance and into loving, humility is a necessity.

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What’s in My Glass?

Tags

grace, humility, justice, kindness, sanctification

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
– Jesus, Luke 6:45b

I heard a pastor say in a sermon years ago that we’re all like full glasses, and whenever something bumps into us, whatever we’re filled with spills out. That illustration has haunted me ever since. Marriage, parenthood, and living in community means that you get bumped into a lot. I’ve had many spills over the years, and sometimes, I wonder how in the world I can still be filled with so much anger and vitriol. When will the fruit of the Spirit be more evident than an unbridled tongue and a heart not at peace?

I have this image in my head of what I want to be: a loving, understanding husband, a gentle, patient father, a positive, life-giving friend. But after every failure, I look at how far that person is from where I am, and the very little ground I’ve covered and it starts to look like a lost cause at times.

Our friends who just flew in from the US stayed with us for a week until their apartment was ready. Four adults and two children living in our small apartment, and everybody was getting bumped into, figuratively and literally! I was happy to help them and would do it again without question, but being the introvert that I am, I have had some cranky moments. And after a night of arguing with Anna and a chaotic morning of dealing harshly with Eden as she just wouldn’t cooperate with my goal of getting to school on time, I was fed up with myself by Thursday.

A well-known passage from the Old Testament came to mind as I sat at my desk. “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” – Micah 6:8. This struck a chord with me. It’s funny: Christianity is filled with such complexities, and yet it’s the profoundly simple things like this that stop me dead in my tracks and make me want to just stand underneath the cleansing waterfall of God’s wisdom and let all the junk I’ve caked on just wash away.

I decided then, as I repented of the way I’d dealt with the relationships closest to me, that as I spoke with anyone, I’d ask myself if my communication was in line with those three things in Micah 6. Many times already, it hasn’t been. But on many more occasions, I think, it has. I had a difficult conversation with a fellow teacher the next morning, and had it happened only a couple of days earlier, it would’ve ended poorly, and this teacher would’ve felt attacked and would’ve shut down and gotten defensive. Instead, with a desire to honor Jesus, I came in humility, seeking a just and kind solution to the problem that I needed to address. And the problem was dealt with swiftly, with no negative ramifications.

It’s helping my communication with Anna as well, the past few days. When I’m not so bent on defending myself or fighting for my way, I find that things are much more harmonious. (Go figure!) The toughest challenge is with Eden. I struggle not to lose my temper when she isn’t as obedient as I’d like. I often say things that I regret, and I speak in a way that tears down, rather than builds up. But I’m her dad, and I’m the closest thing she has to understanding what God is like with his children, and that’s not the image I want to instill in her mind. The only way I’m going to show her a decent example is to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with my God.

One of the most important things for me to remember in all of this is that applying that verse to my life isn’t primarily about getting results; it’s about doing what God requires. I may, in some incredibly rare instance, perfectly embody this command found in Micah, as I’m trying to correct Eden. And even then, she may very well respond with contempt and rebellion. And I have to be mentally and emotionally ok with that. Jesus managed to live his entire life this way, and they crucified him. This isn’t about utility; it’s about bringing glory to the One who gave his life for me.

I hope to wake up one day and realize that my cup is running over, and that it’s grace that’s spilling out onto those around me.

The Point Of It All

Tags

atonement, cross, evil, grace, judges, long-suffering, patience, redemption, soli deo gloria, theodicy

I’ve been reading Judges, and I’m appalled by all the senseless evil and wickedness that comes out of man’s heart.  And I realize that I can read the same thing in any history book from any time period from any region in the world, and I can read the same thing on the front page of any newspaper this morning, and God’s patience with us overwhelms me.  That he would continue with us this long, that he would not have destroyed us all should cause us to at once bow down in utter shame and yet worship Him with hearts exploding with love and gratitude.

I have not murdered, have not agitated a nation to civil war, have not killed my own child in the name of God, but I have rebelled, turned to idols, to filth just as those whose lives are recorded in Judges.  I think on how easily I am insnared by sin, like a mindless puppy running out into the street after a bouncing ball!  And before I know it, I’m struck down by iniquity and lying on the pavement; I have again spoken evil, I’ve hated in my heart, I’ve exchanged the glory of God for his creation, and so it goes.

And then, even in light of all of that, I still have an audience with my God!  I can still come to Him, repent, worship, petition, sit quietly in his presence.  And He heals my wounds.  He continues to display His inexhaustible grace, mercy, love, and long-suffering.  And it occurs to me just how worthy Jesus is.  Just how pure, how valuable Christ is.  His death purchased all of this for me!  That I can have this realization and still turn aside, that my attention can be captured by such lower things, demonstrates that I am indeed seeing as through a mirror dimly.  I long for the day when I will see Him as He is.

As for now, I will keep stumbling in his footsteps, awkwardly following the Christ in the midst of this place where everyone does what is right in his own eyes.  But as in Judges, along with the evil comes beauty, one little redemption story after another, and God’s grace is magnified.  And all glory goes to Him.  And really, isn’t that the point of it all?

10 Things I Learned in Georgia

Tags

christian unity, family, georgia, grace, savannah, self control, shanghai, the kindness of the lord, the least of these, the lord's hand is not shortened, unity in the spirit

Marshes near Savannah and Tybee Island

1.) Pick your battles.  If the satisfaction of winning an argument is all that is to be gained from pressing an issue, it is hardly worth the damage that the tongue can cause.  By God’s grace, I somehow managed to apply that truth in certain circumstances back in Georgia.  I’m quite certain that just a year ago I wouldn’t have had the sense (or the maturity) to keep my mouth shut!  Praise God, it seems that sanctification is actually happening!

2.) The Lord’s hand is not shortened.  Two stories illustrate this:

While in Georgia, Anna and I unexpectedly reunited with a long-time Chinese friend.  Her mother, in whose home we were often guests, was visiting her from Wuhan.  Both in China and in Georgia, Anna and I shared not only our life with our friend, but the truth as well.  After talking with them, we learned that although we hadn’t had any contact with our friend for over two years, God has continued to fill her life with believers who’ve added salt and light to her life.

Also, I went back home to find that a good friend of mine from high school had been radically saved, as evidenced by her zeal to know God in prayer and in the Word as well as by her evangelistic fervor.  It’s always so refreshing to see yet again how God can make someone into a totally new creation!

3.) Eating deep-fried everything with extra sugar for five weeks can drastically change one’s physical appearance!  (And one’s ability to climb the stairs to one’s fourth floor apartment!)

4.) I never get tired of the beauty of Savannah.  I live in one of the largest, most dynamic cities in the world, but Savannah captures my imagination unlike any other place I’ve been to.

5.) There’s hope yet for God’s church in my little hometown.  There are certain stereotypes that come to mind when one thinks of a small town in the bible belt.  Sadly, most of them are true.  But the established and the comfortable had better watch out when a few willing servants, called by God, end up in the pulpit of several area churches.    Before you know it, the pure unadulterated gospel is being preached all over the place.  And what’s even more miraculous is when all those pastors, because of the same Spirit residing in all of them, come together in unity, rather than keeping a safe distance to protect their “territory.”  That’s exactly what I witnessed in my hometown this summer.    While I was there, I was privileged to attend the weekly breakfast meeting of about ten area pastors and youth pastors at a local cafe.  It was great to see the unity, the transparency, the friendship among these men.  It was exciting to see that they all saw themselves and their congregations as the collective church of Jesus, rather than the heads of separate little nation-states with a loose alliance with one another.  God tends to do amazing things when people start living out His Word like that!  I’m excited to see what’s in store.

6.) Five weeks isn’t very long at all.  We intended to see many more people and do many more things than we got around to.  Before we knew it, we were doing last minute packing before making our way to the airport!

7.) When you leave a place, things don’t just pause for you until you come back around again. After being gone for a year, I found that my little brother now dwarfs me, even my youngest cousins are now teenagers, one of my older relatives passed away, my old job is gone, my church in Statesboro is gone, the cafe two doors down from my apartment is gone, and many of the people I knew have moved or currently have plans to.  In a few years, Statesboro will be totally unrecognizable to me, and I expect that I’ll have almost no ties there at all.

8.) God’s kindness brings me to repentance – even on vacation.  For the first two days of our getaway in Savannah, I intentionally pushed aside any opportunities to share the gospel or to represent Christ at all.  I was on vacation.  I was staying with my wife at a charming bed and breakfast in my favorite city.  I intended to get lost in the atmosphere of the place: the elegant design and decadent food and drink, eclectic shops and art galleries, the stunning architecture, enchanting gardens, and mysterious, haunting memorials.  And I wasn’t going to risk getting involved in an uncomfortable situation that might ruin my dream vacation!  Couldn’t I just have this one weekend?  Well, by the morning of our last day, I was feeling a mixture of conviction and guilt.  Both the comforter and the accuser were bringing the issue to the forefront.  And thankfully, the Spirit won out.  As providence would have it, one of the least of these came to me asking if I’d buy him some food.  And I got the chance to show the love of Christ to him.  To bless him with a meal.  To listen to him and pray for him.  To think that God would entrust me with such a thing to do, such an opportunity to be a blessing and to honor his name, after my utter insubordination… There is no end to God’s amazing grace!  It cannot be exhausted!  Needless to say, this kindness that God showed to me, at just the right time, was enough to melt my heart and bring me to repentance.  I’m glad He went on my vacation with me!

9.) Goodbye never gets easy.  I know the old adage: “it’s not goodbye, it’s just see you later.”  But whatever words one uses, parting ways with our families and traveling to the exact opposite side of the world is no trivial thing.  And though it wasn’t as heart-wrenching this time, and the tears of mothers and sisters didn’t fall as heavily, it was certainly one of the hardest parts of our time in Georgia.

10.) Shanghai is becoming our home.  As great as our trip to Georgia was, as wonderful as it was to see the loved ones we’d missed so much, this feeling came over us when we opened the door to our apartment.  It was that unmistakable feeling that one has after having been on a marvelous, yet exhausting holiday to some far off place.  It was that feeling that comes with a sigh: “I’m home.”

Still Astounded

Tags

grace

I read Matthew 5-7, and I am humbled, brought low.  Blessed are the pure in heart and the peace makers, and can I be counted as one of them?  Salt?  Light?  Jesus calls me out on my moments of anger that are deserving of judgment.  He instructs me to remove stumbling blocks at all costs, to value eternity more than the temporal.  He tells me not to retaliate, and he tells me to love.  To love.  My friend?  My enemy?  Yes.  He gives me an ultimatum: worship him or possessions.  He commands me not to be anxious and to be more concerned with his kingdom and righteousness than nourishment from food.  But I can focus on little else if I haven’t had breakfast.

I look at this clear picture that Jesus has painted, and in an instant, all of my pride is exposed for the utter foolishness that it is.  When Jesus calls me to this kind of life, what warrant have I for even the smallest morsel of pride?  Absurdity!  But in exchange for the blow to my pride, I am given something of infinitely more value!

I see that I cannot begin to measure up to the standard set forth by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount.  I see that I’ve no chance to even come close.  Not one of his commands, not one of his descriptions of godliness is attainable for me.  And in the moment, I feel what I always know: I’ve nowhere to go but to the cross.  And the most beautiful, astounding thing about it all is that I can.  I, the antithesis of God, can go boldly to the throne of grace!  I can cast myself on his mercy.  I can stand unafraid of judgment!  I can glory in  the sovereign grace of God and praise him for it, thank him for it!  Thank him for Christ’s atonement for my sin and his righteousness counted to me, and for sanctification.  That I am less and less the antithesis.  I can enjoy the goodness of his presence.  As I decrease and he increases, I am the mournful, the poor in spirit.  And I am the comforted; the kingdom of heaven is mine!

Astounded By Grace

Tags

grace

How is it that I, the fickle-hearted, have been given the role of leader in the lives of my wife and daughter, of mentor to a growing group of young men?  I, the one who has used the same mouth to bless God and then curse those made in his image.  I, the one who has grumbled in the wilderness after receiving bread from heaven.  I, the one who has left God’s side and gone after other lovers and made my share of golden calves.  God uses me.  He gives me responsibilities.  Astounding!  And if I gaze too long into the mirror, utterly frightening.

But when my eyes are fixed on the one who called me according to his purpose, the one who’s been carrying me, faith comes.  When I read his word and see his interaction with adulterous, murderous David, with spiteful Jonah, with hot-headed, cowardly Peter, I see redemption, long-suffering, faithfulness, steadfast love, and promises kept.

God has always used the weak and foolish to confound the strong and wise, things that aren’t to bring to nothing things that are.  Despite all the times when I begin to think otherwise, I am the weak and foolish.  And what I have to give is nothing, and somehow, God uses it to accomplish his purposes.

I think on this, and I’m melted.  I am brought to the feet of God, and I want to praise him.  And David could go so boldly to the throne of grace, could say such things to God, could boast of such love from him, even after his dark conspiracy.  I too, have endless love, endless access to him.  God rejoices over me with singing! He is never once flustered or frustrated by my pendulum-life.  He never draws back in offense when I sin against him, when I choose the darkness.  When I grieve him, it is he who pursues me to reconcile.  This is how our relationship started, after all.  The offended pursued the offender, reconciled with him. Atoned for him!  What a God!  There is no one like him!

Now, I offer praise and thanksgiving to God for everything he is, everything I’m not, and everything I am in him.

What In The World Was In That Hot Chocolate?

Tags

Caedmon's Call, faith, grace, sanctification, Shifting Sand, unreached people groups, world missions

All I had was a little hot chocolate before bed.  Really!  Why can’t I get to sleep?  I will surely pay for this tomorrow!

I should be working on my online coursework.  (I’m currently pursuing an ESL certification.)  But here I am, reflecting, mulling over things, half-praying.  I wonder what image the current brush strokes on my life portrait will have created a year from now.  I wonder if there will be more stability for me.  In terms of work.  In terms of faith.  In terms of the mission.

Sporadic sub jobs, private tutoring here and there, it all has its perks.  But I can’t help feeling, well, underutilized.  I have a responsibility to provide for my family, and I simply will not be comfortable as long as I am not doing so in a more substantial way.  So, as I mentioned earlier, I am on my way to becoming a certified ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher.  I have a particular job opportunity in mind, and I pray that the door is open for me.

My faith is like shifting sand,

Changed by every wave.

My faith is like shifting sand,

So I stand on grace.    

The Chorus to Caedmon’s Call’s Shifting Sand has resonated with me for years, and I praise God for his glorious grace!  But I want to grow in faith, too.  When I pray “I believe, Lord help my unbelief!” I really want him to help my unbelief.  And in many ways, he has.  I can look back and see how he’s provided for me, brought me through so many things, kept me from falling away; He is certainly faithful!  But on the other hand, as I go through life, I keep stepping on patches of loose ground, and it unnerves me.  Theological issues, social issues, life issues that at one time seemed clear and settled by the Word become muddied, unclear.  Can I be sure that I understand what the Word of God says on this subject or that?  It matters.  The ramifications are real.  I wonder, as time passes will I become less confident in my ability to (or should I say the possibility to) understand God’s word and stand firm on truth when it counts?  Or, will God restore a sense of stability for me in this area?  For now, and ultimately, I can be comforted only by the truth in those lyrics mentioned above.  No matter how badly I lose my footing, I will never be able to fall off of God’s immense grace!      

Obviously, faith-struggles affect how I approach the mission.  With waning confidence comes less passion, less drive, less power to engage in the mission, namely, making disciples.  There is the youth group, and I am immensely grateful to be a part of it.  I don’t take lightly the responsibility that I have as it relates to these guys’ spiritual well-being.  I’m humbled and amazed that God would give me such a task.  But outside of prescribed meetings, what am I doing to advance the kingdom?  There are millions of people around me, numerous ethnicities, utterly without God.  I think often about how I want to reach them, and I was recently spurred on by a fellow youth leader’s presentation on world missions.  The possibilities, just in terms of the unreached groups, in this city are astounding!  Will I find in a year from now that I had been a faithful laborer, eyes on Christ, faithful to the mission?

I know this: God’s will is that his kingdom advances, that he is glorified in his church, and that his saints are sanctified.  So, however he fits the pieces together – or to maintain continuity in my analogy, whatever brushstrokes he makes, the final portrait will be far greater than anything I can currently imagine or hope for.